pending changes

 It's been a long time. A lot of things have changed.

There is a time in everyone's life that we look in the mirror and wonder where our life went. Many times in my life I've wondered what my purpose was. Heck, I still wonder that. I guess as we mature we can look back at our journey and see markers that kind of replicate a map of our journey. We leave some debris along the path. The shame is when the debris is fragments of people's lives we interface with.  

We think we know what we're doing but somewhere along the way we lose sight of who we are or who the ones in our life are. Somehow love has to fit in the equation. Love comes in so many forms it really ends up being by our definition. Most of the time. Not always. Since Kelee and I split up we seem to get along a lot better. It's almost like we can relax around each other and laugh again. Not sure how we lost that or if we ever really had after we got married. I like that we get along so well now. It's been a year since we decided to close that chapter of our lives. On to new journeys. EDIT: all of this is true. Much has happened. She got cancer and passed within 30 days of discovery. We spent every last minute with her. I am not convinced she didn't know she had it and think it plays a part in our split. She told everyone we still loved each other but just didn't live in the same house. I felt the same way. We still did everything together. I think she just got tired of my junk. I don't blame her. I still cry when I think about her and I miss my best friend. Someday I will see her again.  

I'm sitting here tonight having a terrible time with depression. I'm at a point in my life that is not very satisfying. I'm not satisfied with my job. I'm not satisfied with the way I'm living. My dog seems happy which really brings a smile to my face. I think I know why the relationship between people and their dogs is so important. Not everybody sees it that way but there are some really evil people in this world. A dog loves like people don't. A dog is happy to be fed, watered, have their ears rubbed, go on walks, chase sticks, Lick your face every chance they get and so much more. Dogs exercise unconditional love every day. I have recently experienced unconditional love. It's an amazing experience. Its like God stepped in and said now, do this. All of a sudden you see things from a whole new perspective. If I let the offense go and realize freedom I've never known then I see things in a whole new light. I see things the way God sees us. I think what I realize is I can't carry offense into the grave. It dies when I die. What's the point of carrying that burden until I die. Just let it go. It's really not that hard. It's operating in me more every day but I still have moments of anger and frustration. Most of the time they are immediate reactions to an uncomfortable or bad situation. Once I remove myself from the immediate reaction it's not that hard to look at it and decide how foolish and immature my reaction was. I figured out every offense is like carrying a weight that you can't see but you know it's there. It wears you down. Every time you think about it you lose the beauty of the place you are standing in. You pick up that burden and let it take you captive. Its like forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't for the one who was hurt or offended. The one who holds forgiveness really just carries the key, a pretty light load. The one who caused the offense, if they have any moral turpitude at all, is weighed down so heavy with guilt and shame that it consumes a part of their life. When one finally decides to appeal for forgiveness they typically are looking for relief from the burden they carry. If the offender hands them the key they exercise a form of unconditional love. They release the offender from the burden of whatever they did. So asking forgiveness is really trying to relieve the load. Did they learn from it? Asking forgiveness is the beginning of the journey to learn from our errors. Anyway, something to think about. 

Have a lot more to say but not right now...