Closing out 2018...

Here I sit. It's Thanksgiving eve. Here I sit. It's a challenge to not look back at the last year and question my accomplishments. In fact I'm not going to do it because I will be in a sour mood for the rest of the evening. I'm making a pot of stew in the Instapot I purchased a while back. So far I like what it does.
I made a couple of rocket stoves. Pretty simple to fabricate, produces nice heat to keep your hands warm on a cool evening. I made one with the top shaped to sit a cup of hot drink or a pan on but I haven't tried that yet. I also have been working in the blacksmith shop again. Just tinkering. Making tongs and cut off tools. I am working on a design for a couple of book ends but am not getting in a rush as I want them to turn out really nice and not like a project I've lost interest in. It's been a rainy fall so I've been able to spend some time in the shop. A lot of my projects and one I really need to finish are having to be done outside so I get after them when it's not raining. I'm starting to feel the need to simplify my life. Focus on one thing until finished. Don't start any other projects until I complete the ones I have started already.
My evenings are crowded. I'm taking Jazz guitar lessons from Dick Gordon Jr. in Tulsa and am learning how my brain takes in a certain amount of information then it says no. I get about three different inputs trying to learn then the fourth input is introduce and smoke fills the room. Brain fried. I keep practicing though and am seeing improvement, quite a bit actually. That's Monday night and about an hour in the evenings after everyone else has gone to bed. I also have been taking a class at Tulsa Community College. Fundamentals of Art I, I absolutely am having a blast in this class. The instructor may be my favorite college prof. I've ever had. I'm hooked, going to sign up for the next round. I've always had an interest in art but I quit drawing and sketching when work got complicated years ago. This is an attempt to find the old me and see how I've matured. It is an effort to find out if my future can be full of creativeness and relax instead of zombie out in front of the TV. I'm planning on taking a creative writing class in the future also. It's my journey so I'm developing the map. Any time I have a few extra minutes I read. It's crazy but I feel like I'm searching for something that's been missing for a long time. If I can just get the one project I owe someone off my agenda I may see a huge difference in the way I process stress and discover more of the map for my future. We'll see.
I bought a book the other day about JRR Tolkien, the artist, and yes he is the same one that wrote the Lord of the rings, and a bunch of other books. I am amazed at the drawings and paintings he created. It's also telling a story about his life that I had no idea existed. I also bought a book titled "Hemingway's Boat, I am very anxious to begin that one. I think I shared my fascination with Hemingway in a post not long ago.
The depression has let up quite a bit and I don't see it affecting the way I process my days. I'm changing my diet and detoxing just to see. I keep getting a premonition about having too much yeast in my system and some of the foods I eat actually contribute to increasing yeast so it's time for a change. There are lots of reasons for a dietary change and any of you can fill in the blanks so I'm not going there.
Had a discussion earlier with a friend about self criticism. The art and guitar lessons have really revealed some shortcomings in the way I judge myself. I am discovering new definitions for the expectations I have for myself. I am learning that as nice as it would be to have all of my efforts turn out perfectly that expectation is a major stress inducer and sets me up for tremendous disappointment and self doubt when things don't turn out as I thought they should. I am learning that sometimes the imperfect is more perfect than anything I could have done. I look at different artists work over the ages and am discovering that every work of art is exactly as it should be. If you don't like it then you don't like it but it is as it was intended to be. It's the same with the things you like. If I leave stray hammer marks in a piece of metal then I leave stray hammer marks in a peace of metal and they become part of my story. This is something I wish I had taught my children when they were young but I didn't have this revelation then. I have it now and we are trying to adjust the error of my guidance. I'm adjusting a lot of the way I think and perceive things. Maybe I'm just getting older or achieving a different level of maturity. One of the things that really kicked me was a video I saw in class the other night about an art program in San Francisco that embraced people with, and I hate the term, disabilities. After watching that video I was extremely humbled and amazed at the freedom the folks in the video to express themselves and the outcome was some of the most beautiful creations I have ever seen. I can provide the name of the video in another post but I don't have it written down at home. It's a bit of a crazy season in my life. I'm searching, I'm learning, I'm re-evaluating what I consider to be important, I'm re-ordering my priorities, I'm changing.
I want to challenge the few of you that read these posts to take a minute and think about your story. What did you leave behind that brought peace and pleasure into your life? Pay attention to the things that frustrate you. Note the things that are boring. Make notes about the things about you that you don't really like. Then take all of those things and start fixing them. Take a journey of re-discovery. It's never too late. You may not be as nimble or as quick but you are smarter and can figure out how to achieve your goals. Ask yourself what are the most important things in you. Develop those things. Work on them. Work hard on them. Think about the blemishes. take a look at them as if they belong, give them a place in your story. Then map your journey forward. Take a walk into your psyche.
Let me know what you find and how it all turns out.
It's not too late.

By the way, I reread previous posts and find spelling or grammar errors and wonder what the heck. I do a spell check on every post but sometime it sees a word spelled correctly and lets it go but it may not fit the sentence or statement. The best resolution I have is go back and read this post, the part about being perfect and guess what... I'm not fixing them anymore... I think....