Untitled... Absense...

 I've been absent. It has been years since I did this. There have been so many things that have happened. I now have two granchildren. They are my life. My wife passed away. So many things have changed. New friends, old friends, it's been a roller coaster of emotions. It would be easy to write about how hard it's been but that doesn't benefit anything. So... Here's to new beginnings.

My values haven't changed. I still wake up in the mornings and marvel at the goodness and wonder of God's creation. The green grass looks greener. As we move into fall the sharpness of nature seems to be intensifying. The edges of everything seem sharper. I noticed the leaves on the trees are not changing drastically yet. My Catalpa tree has a lot of leaves that are falling so I know the change is coming. As much as I dislike cold I realize the seasons are necessary. I am trying clove tea for the first time. Simple Man is playing on you tube. Nice easy Saturday morning.

We went to Northern New Mexico a few weeeks ago. My daughter and I met my uncle in Red River and rented a condo. My uncle and I spent many yearsds coming out here with my grandparents so this was really a trip down memory lane. The places have changed but the memories haven't. We went to the old campground in Questa for a drivethrough. They had eliminated the firepit we all used to gather around in the evenings but not much else had changed. We missed the old restaurant across from the road to Red River, it had closed years ago. We went to the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge west of Taos since my daughter hadn't seen it before. We went fly fishing in Valle Vidal. Had dinner with a great friend from my junior high and high school days. I'm not inclined to post people's names anymore so he'll remain nameless in this post but we had such a nice visit we vowed to be more proficient at staying in touch going forward. It was nice to talk about all the skateboarding and bicycle adventures we went on back then. Both of us have suffered terrible losses and while I wouldn't chang any part of what I've been through just knowing we know how each other feels about it makes a bond different. Thank's brother, I wish only the best for you. 

While in Red River my youngest caught her first trout on a fly rod. She picked it up really quickly and within an hour landed her first rainbow. That really makes a dad happy, especially when you see the excitement and the smile it brought. It was even better because she is 20+ and developing an amazing career. The three of us ventured around Red River and had a great time, spent too much money but won't ever forget it.

I had learned about Tenkara fly fishing for a few years but never tried it. I found a Tenkara rod on sale so I thought why not. I showed the rod to some folks when I got home and the comment was made "it looks like a glorified cane pole". That brought up some very old memories and a good laugh. I'm not going to describe it here but if you are reading this you also spend time on the internet so do some research. I can say it's very simple, extremely effective, and just plain fun. If you live close get in touch with me and I'll let you try it with my equipment. Panfish fight hard and it'll be fun I promise.

Reread all of my old posts over the last few days. I need to do some editing for grammar and some of the sentences make no sense or are too long. Hopefully this one is much better. I could use an editor. May have to use Grammarly. Sometimes it feels like I’m swimming in water that is so deep you have to tip toe to breath and once in a while a wave comes through momentarily taking my breath away. I hope blogging again along with journaling gets my head above water and renews some of the wells of thought that brought a lot of peace and joy to my life. It's been a rough year physically which has not helped. I had a meniscus tear in my right knee that required surgery in February along with a bit of time for recovery then slipped in the mud in May. That slip caused me to fall which tore my rotator cuff, a deep bicep tear and some other repairs in my left shoulder. That was in May, Surgery for that was in September and I am now in Physical Therapy for all of that. It will end up being a year of very limited activity and a great amount of pain. I am looking forward to no pain and getting back to the activities and chores.

That's my update. God is still good. Be blessed and enjoy your weekend! 

One more out with the old in with the new... what a boring title...

 Not another end of the year I can't wait to be done with 2020 blog...

I promise. The irony of doing a year in review is you can't change any of it. You never can get the words you've spoken back. You can't go back and fix choices that should never have happened. So why look back and reflect? The only reason to look back is to implement lessons learned for choices in the future. So many times we hear the term lesson learned and think of the bad things and choices we experienced and do not want to repeat but what about the good ones? The problem is you can't relive the good or bad times exactly because that moment in time only exists once and then it's gone forever. I'm watching the snowfall and am mesmerized by the flakes making the journey from the heavens to come to an abrupt halt when they hit the ground. Some flakes land on grass or the flakes that fell before them. Others land on houses, driveways, roads, vehicles, your dog, or horse, etc. They do not choose where they land. They just do what the infallible law of design dictates. They form in the clouds and drift to the ground. The wind may affect their journey but again they have no control of the outcome. Boring, beautiful but boring.

People are a very complex subject. We control our direction in some form or fashion but not completely enough to dictate the outcome. If I say something to someone I love and they perceive differently than I intended or even as I intended sometimes and it offends them the reaction is the only thing they control. That reaction usually dictates the next exchange which shifts some control back to me and on it goes until it's clarified or dies. I often speak too quickly. I listen well but my responses come too quickly which typically escalates the offense into a minefield of conversation that has potentially catastrophic outcomes. If the other person sees through my quippy responses they usually end up with a very heartfelt apology and a promise to be attentive to not repeat the offense again. 

What if I'm the one that takes offense? Again reverse scenario but all I control is my reaction and response to the assumed offense. I can either blow it up into a full-scale war or I can be slow to respond and gently course it through a communicative conversation that has a pleasing outcome for all. Slow response is the key. If my quip switch is on then it's not going to turn out well. I'm pretty sure Solomon wrote about this in Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. I do not like arguing at all. I take that back (I can't really, remember?). If the argument is a learning opportunity and ends in a nice makeup scenario then there has been some gain from the banter. The ticking bomb in an argument is keeping the bomb from exploding with hurtful and resentful comments. Maybe we can reclassify healthy arguments simply as communicating. There, is a concept a lot of people miss. Responding to an offense correctly can change the format from an argument into a communication session and benefit all or both parties. I'll have to add silence is an answer or a response but it is not a healthy communicative response. With some personality type's silence can be deadly to a relationship. There is a time when silence can save a relationship but it's like putting out an oil well fire with nitroglycerin. It must be done with precision and concern for the other parties involved.

If you haven't figured it out I think by writing. If it seems like rambling it kind of is. Really it's a good roadmap detailing the way my thoughts happen. It's still snowing. If snow-flakes had the ability to have emotions and knew accumulating in certain places was going to cause pain and suffering what percentage of the snow-flakes would fall in those places anyway? They could only do anything about it if they could control their journey. We can control our journeys to a point. How many of us continue an argument knowing the outcome could be devastating and have long-lasting effects? Could it be the art of slow response in communication, (if I'm bleeding from an injury forget slow response) would be the best reaction by every human on this planet? Take some time to consider your reaction next time the opportunity to banter arises. Try it and see if the outcome becomes a good learning point instead of a historical failure.

Later, (still snowing...)

Wisdom from the imagination...

 I sit here on Christmas morning wondering...

What do we miss because we are too busy? What if it's missed because our focus is off? Maybe it's missed because it doesn't fit our plan or our dream but what if it's a dream we haven't had yet? What if we missed it because we didn't realize letting go of what we had was the right thing to do? We could perform this question and wonder what happened for the rest of our lives but we might miss.... see how easy it is...

We have to understand there are no questions that don't have answers. The persistent problem is, we are continuously trying to adjust the answers and turn them into what we want or think they should be. If we just accepted the answers as they exist then we can progress the answer to the next level or build from the answer until we get to the next question. If we build to the next question we actually can map progress getting to whatever the answers bring. 

None of this eliminates choices. The question is asked. It is pondered and analyzed. As we work toward the answer we begin to discover multiple choices and more than likely we misinterpret those choices as being in our control. So we make the choice that is favorable to us or so we think and we begin a journey. We begin to manipulate our position to give us the choices we want, thinking we are working towards achieving an answer that gives us the outcome we wanted all along. The truth is, if we just made a choice and head the direction that choice presents we might travel further faster, but we have to be willing to stop if we seem to be going in a direction we don't enjoy. The thing is, when we decide to go back and re-examine the question and we choose another path we must realize that without taking chances what may have appeared to be the wrong path actually could have been the right path all along. 

Ultimately we need to be accurately prophetic to see the outcome before the beginning. This isn't a new concept. It's existed longer than man has been alive. What this describes is God. God sees the end before the beginning. If we could do this we would map our lives to build the end we see and not the life that requires faith to achieve the end we were designed for. What does all this lead to? Faith, courage, hope, surrender. Everything God tells us to have. Trust. If I see a horse in a field and I think he's got potential then I can see that horse winning the Kentucky Derby. Is it possible? Not likely. Is the horse I see in the pasture bred and trained to win the Derby? No. So what should I see? If I look at the truth that horse was meant to be a fun ride for some young girl or boy. To be their friend. To take them from point A to point B and to bond with them. Does the horse want to win the Kentucky Derby? No, this horse is happy to see that boy or girl walking into the pasture with the halter and a handful of oats. He is content to walk in relationship with his quality of life and live it the best he can.

I don't think any of this is to make a point. The intention hopefully is to engage thought that will lead to some evaluation of our current circumstances. With the evaluation maybe we'll get some clarification and see something we didn't see before that simplifies the perplexity of not seeing things from the end to the beginning. Simplify your choices. Don't make them so complicated. Choose a path. Walk forward. You'll never know till you try it. Stop trying to manipulate outcomes to fit your ideologies. Take a journey. I truly hope you find what you didn't know you needed. 

What if an INFP found an ENFP or an EFNP found an INFP? Might be the perfect discovery. Don't complicate it. Just be the INFP or the ENFP without manipulating either to fit an ideal. Walk it out. Might be the best thing that ever happened. Simplify it. Do what it takes. Get on the plane. Whatever it takes.

I've been thinking about quotes I like...

Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Dr Seuss:

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams"

"There are so many things you can learn about, but you'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut."

Unknown:

"Every man needs a woman when his life is a mess because, just like in a game of chess, the Queen protects the King."

"If you want to make everyone happy, don't be a leader - sell ice cream."

"Finally realized I was never asking too much, I was just asking the wrong person."

Paul Klee - "a line is a dot that went for a walk"

Rudyard Kipling - "I am by nature a dealer in words, and words are the most powerful drug known to humanity"

Jordan Peterson - "A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, dangerous man who has it under voluntary control."

Theodore Roosevelt - "Complaining about a problem without offering a solution is called whining."

Johnny Depp - "People cry, not because they are weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."

J R R Tolkien - "It simply isn't an adventure worth telling if there aren't any dragons."

Don Quixote - "I do not insist that this is a full adventure, but it is the beginning of one, for this is the way adventures begin."

Gianni Crow - "Grandfather says: When you feel powerless that's because you stopped listening to your heart, that's where power comes from."

Johann Sebastian Bach - "I play the notes as they are written but it is God who makes the music."

Ernest Hemmingway - "The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed."

Unknown - "Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it."

Winnie the Pooh - "I haven't forgot... I just can't remember."

Unknown - "Long before Zaccheaus couldn't see Jesus the tree was already planted to meet his need."

I'll continue this another day.....

Merry Christmas in spite of COVID...

Laters,

 

Mud blogging.... pun intended...

 Not sure what to write today but I felt like writing something. I don’t have access to cable where I live and satellite is more than I want to spend. I use my phone or my iPad as a hotspot but it seems my provider is good at throttling back even though I have the most expensive plan they offer. It can be quite frustrating. I also am stuck with free tv at the moment so I don’t get many channels. I watch GritTV and MeTV a lot. I’m not a reality show addict at all. I do stream Amazon Prime and HULU so I get movies but I miss a lot of college football. Listen to me whine!!!

The sun is out it’s 32 deg F. and warming up. The snow is almost all gone but when the snow leaves the mud laughs at us. There’s a story in there somewhere. I was sitting here wondering who would appreciate mud. It’s not like mosquitoes, nobody likes mosquitoes. Mud almost was in that category until I thought about the part mud plays in the world. 

Mud advantages and uses list, (not all-inclusive by any means..):

• Making bricks - Not all mud is the same. I have spent some time studying adobe since I was a teenager. I like adobe homes. The thing I find about adobe homes is they really seem to utilize the mud that is local to the location of the house. It can be shaped, formed any way you find appealing to your eyes. It’s got insulate properties for weather extremes hot or cold.
• Pottery - Jars, pots, plates, bowls, cups, you name it. Art, some of it is also used to dye materials (go swim in the red river, anything white will be red when you get out, again a story there that I’ll tell another time).
• Entertainment - It’s a form of entertainment in the world of offroad vehicles. Take a glance at youtube for offroad mudding. There is also the world of mud pit racing. I did that once back in…. anyway… I was the first vehicle through the pit from the start to finish. Apparently, one of the local news stations recorded it and used my run as part of their advertisements for the mud races for several years after that. If you were wondering it was a 1977 Ford F-250 4wd with 4-inch lift kit and 40” Gateway Gumbo Mudders, 351M engine with a  manual transmission. the paint was gray with a black interior. Great truck. Somehow National Geographic was at the event taking pictures and writing a story. I wasn’t in National Geographic but my Herman was. It seems he raced his Honda 3-wheeler into the pit, rolled it over, buried his face in the mud, stood up wiping his eyes. It was a great photo op and worthy of making the National Geographic magazine a few months later. I may still have a copy of it around here somewhere.
• Pizza ovens - Had to put this in here even though it could’ve gone under the first bullet. An outdoor fired pizza oven can cook pizzas like no indoor oven ever has. Again youtube has some incredible videos of building outdoor pizza ovens and cooking pizzas.

While mud is an annoyance most of the time I can see that it doesn’t always receive adequate representation. Maybe it’s time for a campaign to promote the qualities of mud…. 

 

This was my first 4x4. It was a Ford F150, 3-inch lift kit, automatic transmission, 38.5” Gateway Gumbo Mudders, no engine mods. I installed an overhead console from Johnny’s Custom Trucks. Pioneer stereo and CB radio… old school.

We spent every weekend on the Arkansas river playing in the sand. Once in a while we’d run over to some vacant land that was being CopperMill apartments and play in the MUD. Usually had three of us always roaming around, I had no name for my truck but the other guy's trucks were known as Okie Outlaw and Wild Cherry. A friend of mine named Mike drove Okie Outlaw and the same aforementioned Herman drove Wild Cherry. I could fill pages with stories of our adventures but I’ll save those for another time. I will add a few more names but no last names exercising proper etiquette. Brian drove a light blue Chevrolet, David had a red Chevrolet, Charlie had a Brown Ford Bronco. I’ll give kudos to a guy named Scott who drove a truck named White Buffalo for rescuing me one night behind Indian-Springs country club trying to get out of the river. I’ll add that story then be done for the day. I liked a young lady named Ellen from south Tulsa but guys driving 4-wheel drives weren’t real popular with most dads. We never dated seriously but we had a great time just hanging out. We had been talking on the phone late one evening and decided we’d go 4-wheeling. The problem was she had to sneak out of the house to go. I parked a block away when I picked her up around 11:00pm. We grabbed some Icees at QT and headed for Indian Springs. We raid all over the river and had a great time except I broke a rear driveshaft around 1:00am. I can’t remember if I pulled the driveshaft or wired it up but I could still move using the front driveshaft in 4wd but it made my truck a front 2wd in the middle of the Arkansas River and a lot of sand between us and the trail out. around 2:00am we made it to the riverbank which had a steep bump to get up on the trail out. That’s where we stopped. Stuck. We stayed calm but the back of my mind was panicking, missing woman, dad with a shotgun, police hunts, dogs, jail, all kinds of things going through my mind. Turned the truck off locked the doors and we walked through the woods in the dark for about a mile to a Circle K. It was closed but the pay-phones (yes they were a thing) were outside so I called David. Basically said you have to pick Ellen up and get her home for me before the sun comes up. He agreed so I hung up and we sat down on the curb in front of the store. And sat there. And sat there some more. Around 4:00am I called David back. His response was I fell asleep, I’ll be right there. He finally got her home around 5:30am and she made it to her room without being discovered at least if her parents knew they never said anything. Sidenote: They moved to the Northeast not long after that… At 7:00am I called Scott and requested his help. Scott picked me up at the Circle K and we drove back to my lonely blue truck. Scott backed up to the front of my truck so we could hook up a strap and easily tugged my beast up the embankment. Unhooked the strap, I think we agreed on my buying him a case of beer at some later date and White Buffalo disappeared through the woods. I drove home in front 2wd stopping at the parts store on the way and bought the parts needed for the repair. Spent the afternoon fixing it made it to Brookside that evening and later spent the night on the river at 56th and Riverside. So many stories and old friends, great life!

Enjoy your day! Eat good food! Spend time with people you love!

BTW enjoy the next pic…. it was the late seventies… lots of willie and merle on the radio between the Lynyrd Skynyrd, CCR, Molly Hatchett, and of course ZZ top…. 

I’m sure there’s a story here too…

pending changes

 It's been a long time. A lot of things have changed.

There is a time in everyone's life that we look in the mirror and wonder where our life went. Many times in my life I've wondered what my purpose was. Heck, I still wonder that. I guess as we mature we can look back at our journey and see markers that kind of replicate a map of our journey. We leave some debris along the path. The shame is when the debris is fragments of people's lives we interface with.  

We think we know what we're doing but somewhere along the way we lose sight of who we are or who the ones in our life are. Somehow love has to fit in the equation. Love comes in so many forms it really ends up being by our definition. Most of the time. Not always. Since Kelee and I split up we seem to get along a lot better. It's almost like we can relax around each other and laugh again. Not sure how we lost that or if we ever really had after we got married. I like that we get along so well now. It's been a year since we decided to close that chapter of our lives. On to new journeys. EDIT: all of this is true. Much has happened. She got cancer and passed within 30 days of discovery. We spent every last minute with her. I am not convinced she didn't know she had it and think it plays a part in our split. She told everyone we still loved each other but just didn't live in the same house. I felt the same way. We still did everything together. I think she just got tired of my junk. I don't blame her. I still cry when I think about her and I miss my best friend. Someday I will see her again.  

I'm sitting here tonight having a terrible time with depression. I'm at a point in my life that is not very satisfying. I'm not satisfied with my job. I'm not satisfied with the way I'm living. My dog seems happy which really brings a smile to my face. I think I know why the relationship between people and their dogs is so important. Not everybody sees it that way but there are some really evil people in this world. A dog loves like people don't. A dog is happy to be fed, watered, have their ears rubbed, go on walks, chase sticks, Lick your face every chance they get and so much more. Dogs exercise unconditional love every day. I have recently experienced unconditional love. It's an amazing experience. Its like God stepped in and said now, do this. All of a sudden you see things from a whole new perspective. If I let the offense go and realize freedom I've never known then I see things in a whole new light. I see things the way God sees us. I think what I realize is I can't carry offense into the grave. It dies when I die. What's the point of carrying that burden until I die. Just let it go. It's really not that hard. It's operating in me more every day but I still have moments of anger and frustration. Most of the time they are immediate reactions to an uncomfortable or bad situation. Once I remove myself from the immediate reaction it's not that hard to look at it and decide how foolish and immature my reaction was. I figured out every offense is like carrying a weight that you can't see but you know it's there. It wears you down. Every time you think about it you lose the beauty of the place you are standing in. You pick up that burden and let it take you captive. Its like forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't for the one who was hurt or offended. The one who holds forgiveness really just carries the key, a pretty light load. The one who caused the offense, if they have any moral turpitude at all, is weighed down so heavy with guilt and shame that it consumes a part of their life. When one finally decides to appeal for forgiveness they typically are looking for relief from the burden they carry. If the offender hands them the key they exercise a form of unconditional love. They release the offender from the burden of whatever they did. So asking forgiveness is really trying to relieve the load. Did they learn from it? Asking forgiveness is the beginning of the journey to learn from our errors. Anyway, something to think about. 

Have a lot more to say but not right now...

The day after December 7th

Not sure what this post will be about but.....

As I was typing the title of the post I thought about the historical value of yesterday. It's not really a day to be celebrated in my opinion. It brought about a lot of trouble for a lot of people. The end result of handling the situation really gave benefit to eradicating some really evil ideas being implemented around the world. It provided some extra incentive to bring people around the globe together at a level that may never have been seen before. I'll let you go study some history and discover the historical information about World War II if you don't already know it.

This is really kind of a blank page blog today. I have no intentional direction or intent. I just feel like writing something.

I am almost finished with the restoration of a Catalina 22 I bought a couple of years ago. It had some hull damage which I have now repaired. I repainted the hull and am working on restoring the paint on the deck. I've replaced all the running rigging and made some upgrades found on several web sights from the Internet. One of the best is called The Stingy Sailor. Great website with tons of information and videos. I still have a little electrical work to do then I'll get the interior polished up. Not sure what my intentions are with this boat but I'll end up selling it or giving it to one of my daughters. I have been looking at cruising sailboats built to travel the high seas but I have no idea how to pull it off yet. It would make a great adventure so I'm not sure when but I do want to pursue it. I thought about trying to complete the great loop in a Catalina 22 but it's really small. The ideal thing about it is the draft with the keel up is about 18" so shallow anchorages should not be a problem at all. The mast is set up to be raised and lowered single handed which is a necessity on parts of the great loop. If you've never looked at the great loop see what you can find out, it's on the Internet. My variance for the trip is my start and stop point. I can put the boat in just below Oologah dam on the Verdigris river which becomes the Navigation channel. the Tulsa Port of Catoosa is one of the largest points in the US for shipping grain. The Verdigris/Navigation Channell becomes the Arkansas River and journeys through more than a dozen lock and dams before hitting the Mississippi River. Once on the Mississippi River I plan on heading south to the Gulf of Mexico. Depending on weather, I'll sail the open waters of the gulf as long as the weather is not overwhelming for a 22' sailboat. If things are hectic on the Gulf I'll duck into the Inter coastal Waterway making my way to Florida. Once I sail down the west coast of Florida I might make a run for the Dry Tortuga's for a little break. Eventually heading up the east coast of the US utilizing a lot of the Inter coastal Waterway. I would really like to explore as much as I can on this trip. I would like to spend some time around Chesapeake Bay then head for New York and the Hudson River. Taking the Hudson River inland eventually moving into the Erie Canal heading towards the Great Lakes. There are tons of historical sights to see on this trip. Once moving into the Great Lakes weather will be the deciding factor to traverse the Great Lakes safely. Heading for Chicago where we head up the "Chicago Trash Channel" or so it's called. This waterway dumps me back on the Mississippi with the opportunity to turn south towards St Louis or North for a run up to the Minneapolis St Paul area. Not sure I'll turn north so if heading south there is a choice to make. If I want to get home quickly I would need to stay on the Mississippi back to the mouth of the Arkansas River for the sail back to Oklahoma or take the Tom Bigby Waterway back to the Gulf then west to the Mississippi and North to the Arkansas River. Eventually loading the boat back on the trailer just below Oologah Dam and the short 4 miles to the house. The whole trip takes about six months to complete but the way I like to explore I could see it taking longer. I'm amazed you can traverse waterways and circle a huge portion of the Eastern US. you can do the trip in a larger boat but you lose the convenience of being able to raise and lower the mast without assistance and the draft on larger boats is significantly deeper so shallow anchorages are not an option. This would be a good warm up to see if a future on the high seas is a pursuable interest. That will be a different story.

There are many things that could change the whole plan and I would gladly pursue those as intently as anything I've ever pursued in my life. Again a story for another time.

It's Sunday morning. There is a light but very cool breeze blowing so a coat is a necessity today.

Guitar lessons are going very well and I've been taking them for almost 18 months now. The only issue I've had with the guitar pursuit is I've got a few too many guitars at the moment. Without details I have an Alvarez classical acoustic given to me by my uncle in the early 1970's.  I have another acoustic given to me by another uncle. Then the electrics are a 1960 Fender Jazzmaster, a custom Stratocaster, and an Epiphone 335 semi-acoustic. I really enjoy playing all of them. I took classical guitar lessons when I was in junior high school from a man named Jim Matthews at Shields Music and leaned a lot from him. I currently am taking lessons from Dick Gordon Jr. for jazz guitar and I am having a fantastic time. I guess the point of this is to encourage anyone who reads this to pursue a dream. Pick one. Then pursue it with all of your heart. I'd love to hear about your dream and how you pursue it.

It's time to start my day. Hope you all enjoy yours to its fullest.

The Fallacy of Failure....

Have you ever had one of those days where you don't know what to do? There's plenty of tasks needing to be done but there's a hole I can't seem to figure out how to fill. I've practiced my guitar a lot and that's not it. I've been trying to learn some new songs but it takes a measure of dedication I'm still trying to find. Part of the problem is the inherent desire to be good at something the minute we try it. Not sure why that exists but I think it has something to do with performance anxiety and wanting to be accepted at a level that just isn't achievable without committing to an effort until the level of excellence one desires is achieved. We all have certain things we want to be good at but because we aren't starting at the level we think we should and be at full capabilities, we tend to avoid whatever that skill or desire is. We do this with people too. Immediately we begin to avoid, hide from, run from, quiver in sheer terror, at the thought of engaging whatever it is whether it's art, music, people, sports, work, etc.

To take this thought deeper we may begin by looking at what the expectations of our parents, teachers, and peers were as we were growing up. If we figure this out early enough we can stop the chain of self expected accomplishment without the effort or training. We can change the attitudes of the generations coming behind us. It makes sense and seems quite reasonable to begin teaching young ones to view failures as successes when we learn as much from our failures as we do when we accomplish the success we desire. In other words, failure must be an acceptable part of the journey. If we instill a feeling of failure as being the total failure of a desire then we cause a permanent message to be invested in the mentality of the one attempting the effort.

Reflect into your past. Think of something you really wanted to be good at but received negative feedback for an attempt that was improperly judged by others. Instead of them helping you find a path around your roadblocks they just simply said you can't do it or you aren't good enough to accomplish that. Mine was mathematics. I was always told I just wasn't very good at math so I accepted that and began avoiding math at any cost. The worst part about it was I had received A's all the way through grade school. I had memorized multiplication tables so well in fourth grade that the teacher invited the principle to our classroom so I could perform them for him. Somewhere in the transition from 6th to 7th grade, I allowed thought and comment to manifest in my brain that I couldn't be good at math anymore. I cannot tell what the origin of that thought was but it came in like a hurricane and took up residence all the way through High School. I'm sure there were many other things that had been shut down with the intent to never be attempted again but something clicked when I went to college. There was no way I was going to get a degree without some higher level of math on my transcript so I was in a bind. I began to reason that if I was going to obtain a degree I was going to have to conquer the math. I began with beginning algebra. I kept taking math classes until I made it through Calculus I. I attempted Calculus II and Engineering Physics in the same semester and bombed both while trying to maintain a 40 hour work week that often included out of town travel. Long story shortened, I never finished my degree but I have taken a lot of classes over the years trying to get there. The thing I have discovered now is I really have no desire to obtain a degree in the realm of engineering and I beat myself up over the years trying to get one when it really wasn't a goal in my heart. What if I had received support between sixth and seventh grade so I wouldn't have accepted the premise that I was no good at math? What if I had been aware enough of who I am that I could have rejected those comments and thoughts and succeeded very well at math through my senior year? Look around, is there someone in your life that is struggling with trying to be successful but the fear of acceptance has caused them to run and hide from whatever it is? What about you? Find a friend who is willing to walk through it with you and then you be that friend to someone else. I am passionate about this. The dreams of our youth should always be walked out to see if it fits our journey and if it does pursue and help others pursue with all that's in you. Don't give up. Accept critique when it's given to truly help. Quash the demeanor's that have nothing but ill intentions and rise up. You can do it but you never will unless you start working towards it. Being good at something is only judge-able by you and only you control whether you pursue or not. Everybody will have opinions but they don't have to live in your world based on their opinions and they wouldn't even if they could. As long as you operate within the reasonable laws of the land and obey the inherent laws of God you have an open arena to work with. It doesn't matter what others think as long as you don't directly impede in their territory. Go for it. Society has built a set of standards that aren't conducive to achieving your dreams if they aren't within the parameters of societal acceptance. Be a pirate. Take a chance. Follow your heart. Your heart usually gets it right and when it doesn't it hurts but those hurts are like failures that aren't truly failures. Hurts are also a part of your journey and a big part of maturing. Being hurt is no fun, in fact, it sucks but we all have been hurt and have grown from those hurts. Take a chance. Go for it.

"A", if you read this, acrylics are only the beginning... it's a challenge... I'm right on this and you know it... Go for it.. you have no idea how rewarding it has the potential to be...

I know this is a short blog about a very difficult and lifelong issue but I suggest you talk to somebody. Find a life coach, someone who will not let you give up but helps you up every time you think you failed. By the way, if you keep a journal you can read about your journey which may help you get through the next obstacle.

Later,

PS. Some competition is healthy as long as it's done and finishes in the proper context without great deals of anguish and suffering. While others may be better at something compared to us, it's not fair for us to compare ourselves with them. Each one of us is unique. We are individual expressions in the earth and we all are intended to work together to achieve a good end. So be your own unique expression and grow like a fresh spring flower. Recognize your seasons and operate according to the season you're in. Be great in your own eyes! Another note to "A", it doesn't matter if you are an accomplished artist in New York or painting cups in Nebraska, it is not a competition, besides I own a masterpiece you already did and would not sell it for anything."G" my brother, I hope you get something out of this and build a ride worthy of your dreams and potential, hang in there my friend!

Rainy Thursday Evening Thoughts....

It’s Thursday afternoon in June and raining again. Most years we’d be preparing to start a really dry season so I’m grateful for the rain and the cooler temperatures. I’m thinking I don’t have much to say which usually turns into a lot but I needed to write something.

I bought a couple of poetry books the other day. One is a book of poems called Pillowtalk, I have really enjoyed the poems written in this little book. The other book is “poemcrazy” by Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge and is more of an exercise book to energize the reader’s poetic creativity. I also like that book. I bought an autobiography of Elvis Costello and started reading it last night, I think it will be interesting to see the journey he’s taken to become the musician he is today. I couldn’t stop there and ordered a new book written by Yvonne Chouinard. I will spend a lot of time in his book. The story of his life as a surfer, climber, blacksmith, businessman to his current life of heading Patagonia, doing a lot of Tankara fly fishing, and making the case for environmental conservation to governments all over the world. I kindle purchased a couple of other books called “The Hidden Life of Trees” by Peter Wohlleben and “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. I’m about halfway through both of them. My bookshelf at home is 5 shelves high about thirty six inches wide and each shelf has two rows of books on it. I think it’s time to do something about more book shelving.

I have grown a beard. I like it but I think it makes me look older, not positive of that but that’s what I see in the mirror. If any of you have input on that subject let me know please. Having a beard causes a bit of discomfort when it begins itching or the skin under it dries out so I’ve begun a maintenance program of keeping it trimmed, using a soap designed for beard washing, and using beard balm/oil. I just wish it had a little color to it, I think. I see photos of older guys with grey hair and beards and they look pretty good. I’m not sure I can pull it off though and I get no confirmation of looks good or shave it off from my daughters so I’m travelling blind. I’ve also had some tests run looking for food allergies and/or sensitivities and have tested positive for reactions to dairy, gluten, fructose, and corn. It’s crazy. It has changed my diet dramatically. I started eating different around the middle of April and I weighed approximately 287 pounds. I weighed this morning and was 262 pounds. My goal is 240 then aim for 220. I think I feel better but I can’t confirm it’s such a drastic change it’s made me feel like a new man. I do like losing the weight though, especially breaking through the plateau I was stuck at last time I tried losing weight which was at 272 pounds. A lot of changes happening. I read a while back that a lot of men grey early due to vitamin deficiencies, I think I’ll have that checked too. It may not make a difference because it could be like my hair loss which began at 22 years old. It’s probably genetics.

The art class is over and I’m taking the summer off from evening classes. I am missing the interaction with other people and discovering how creativity comes in all kinds of shapes, forms, colors, sizes. I met some fantastic people and had a great time. It’s interesting to see what comes out of their minds and into whatever form of expression the assignment is. So far I’ve been the oldest person in the room for all three of the classes I’ve taken. BUT… I have been really comfortable in the classes and really have had a great time. I would recommend taking a few courses for fun to anyone who is tired of sitting at home doing nothing. The instructors have been great and seem to enjoy having me in the room. It seems with age comes a boldness to go first when I would have gone last in my youth. Its’ fun encouraging the others in the class and listening to them talk about their lives, plans, and dreams. There are one or two I would really enjoy keeping a conversation with just to see what they do with their lives and they seemed to have a quiet reserve that reflected deep thinkers even when you could see them with a little jeering curve of their lip when they heard or thought of something funny. The part of it I haven’t shared is I feel like I needed that atmosphere to be part of my life in this season. I can’t give you a specific reason but it fit and I hope it continues to fit in my future. 

I always wonder why certain people are meant to cross our paths and what is the intent behind those crossings? I believe God sets a path before us and it’s full of encounters that are intended to help us. At the same time I believe encounters become reciprocal meaning we help others. We have a choice to journey on those paths or set our own courses apart from God but I don’t believe He ever gives up on us. I believe God takes an interest in every one of us and knows where we are and how we are doing so He is always able to send grace across our path. Grace to encourage us to walk in accord with Him. Why do we need His grace? I have not been able to find anywhere in the bible that states we are guaranteed an easy life. With that said and some of you will disagree but I would say this: Take a while and recount your life, not just the physical realm,  look inside your heart and head as you recount your history. What do you remember? How many of the hard times or bad times can you recall? Compare the bad times to the good times and if you favor the good times why can’t you stay in that place once you find it? I have mapped my journey and it’s been a journey of growth. Yes, there have been failures but there have also been successes. It takes both good and bad to bring maturity. I would like to remember God’s grace is always enough to get us through any and everything we are facing and will face. We are the one who determines the measure of faith we're willing to apply to our lives and walk out the journey set before us. God will not invade our free will, He wants us to choose. Our choices determine our level of commitment and love towards Him. Argue if you want but be sure your argument is based on sound scripture or don’t bring it at all. I haven’t shared any of this in quite a while so I hope you don’t take offense and if you do let’s at least talk about it because when people just disappear it hurts, especially when you feel an association that resonates deeply inside your being. There is nothing we can say that can’t be overcome with love and forgiveness. I would also throw trust in there. Trust is an amazing subject. We tend to associate with people who are intent on trust being earned but I contend and present this: If trust is to be earned what are we capable of doing that would cause God to trust us at the level we want or desire? If you trusted me until I messed up or you believe I messed up and you don’t trust me anymore does all relationship die at that moment? Is it possible for you or me to assume God operates in the same manner? It’s a bit unnerving to think if God were to operate the same way I do I will end my journey in a good way! Maybe we need to reconsider our position on love and trust and move our positions more towards being like Christ! I’m not saying trust everyone or every situation but I am saying if you know the person and things seem to come apart take the time to consider how Christ sees them and are we looking at them in that way or are we being selfish and not allowing them the opportunity to experience love and forgiveness the way Christ wants to love through us?

Just my thoughts…

Yes, I know, I said I didn’t have much to say but something clicked…

Hope it provoked you to consider some situation or person you need to reconsider and I hope you see a path forward to grow those relationships.

Enjoy life, it doesn’t last that long…

Later…

Thoughts on a Tuesday...(a poem)

I don’t do correct poetic form because I really don’t know it. It seems to me if I’m judged by the style I use then I am robbed of a form of freedom of expression. Think about...

Yet un-named...

I lie awake at night
Wondering about yesterday
Making the wrongs In my head right
Today becomes yesterday
Everything cycles

Rocking in place or
Crossing an ocean in rough seas
Both make me queasy
Nothing is steady
Loneliness rules

Can a broken heart cease caring
Blackness consumes eyesight
Hearing is void of sound
Hide from the day
At night I am safe

In the dark no one sees
Hope only grows when two touch
No one seeks another in the dark
Unintentional encounters plant a healing seed
Hearts bond to be broken
Everything cycles again

Later, BS

Making your own opportunities...

(This is not a new post. I made some spelling/grammar corrections and blogger is treating it as if it is a new post) I am fascinated with the craft of blacksmithing! The smell of the coal forge, the muscle cramp from turning the blower to heat the forge, the ring of the anvil at every blow of the smith's hammer, the glow of the metal as it reveals a weakness (or a willingness to be manipulated) from being exposed to the heat. The variety of tools is astounding in a blacksmith's shop. If he needs a tool he has the skill and ability to make it. A blacksmith can make hammers, chisels, swages, punches, cut-off tools and more. He understands tempering metal to achieve different hardness's. He knows how to develop patinas to make his work the right shades and colors to aesthetically please the customer. He has to develop design skills to fulfill his desire to make something that has never been made before. If he makes a hammer it falls in the category of being a hammer but there is no other hammer in the world that received the same number of blows or the same exact shape whether it's from a stray hammer strike or an intentional indentation, none are ever the same when crafted by a blacksmith.
Am I a blacksmith? No! Would I like to be a blacksmith? Absolutely! I continue to strive to attain my goal but it takes time and practice. I actually took a job at an engineering construction firm to get a 4 day work week so I could volunteer at a local blacksmith shop on Friday's to glean information and trade my time and willingness to be a trainee for that information. I looked at as many shops in the area as I could find. I kept driving by a one man shop downtown looking for the right opportunity to pounce on an occasion to have a conversation with the owner. I eventually got the nerve to walk in the front door and put my plan in motion. I really have enjoyed the years I have known "the blacksmith". Five years I was there every Friday, sometimes Saturday and was amazed every time I was there. The thing I learned most was the craft is all I thought it was. My plan worked as I hoped plus the extra benefit of making a very good friend. (I'll plug his shop here since I really like giving back; Dyer's Antique Forge in Tulsa can do absolutely amazing things with metal, try him, you'll not go wrong!)
I know this post appears to be a simple story about a simple part of my life but I also think there is something someone can glean from this post, I hope it helps.
By the way, God is the ultimate blacksmith, are you allowing him to shape you through your weaknesses?

Back in Oklahoma... and a lot more...

What’s on water but doesn’t get wet?
Go ahead give it a guess. It's a riddle from a friend of my daughter's son...
I'm back in Oklahoma. Glad to be home and I had a great time. It's amazing when you dread an encounter with something or someone because you just don't know what to expect only to find out it was a fantastic adventure. Happened to me. Had a great trip. Met a bunch of fellow employees and shot sporting clays for the first time. I learned something again. You just never know how a thing is going to go until you try it. I'm not saying it always turns out good but I believe you have an opportunity to learn either way. So if there's an opportunity to experience something new I would challenge you to try it. If it doesn't turn out well then write it in your history and don't repeat it. If it turns out great then what have you lost? What have you gained? Go ahead, I dare you. Feel free to  wonder about my journey. What did I discover to be the crux of the trip? All of it. I met some really fantastic people. I had a great time on the course. The BBQ was good. The flight out wasn't bad. The flight home was outstanding. The worst part of the trip? I couldn't sleep. The food we went out to eat on Thursday and Friday was very expensive. The traffic was horrible but the balance of the trip made up for every negative. What is the opportunity in front of you that you don't want to pursue? The challenge? Just move forward. Try it. Let it play out in the natural flow of the journey. Don't try to control it. Let the journey take its course. Ease into the ride and try something new. It's amazing what you'll find. I'm serious, you'll never forget it. I would tell you about the high points but not here. You'll have to text, call, or invite me to lunch to hear the details. If it's lunch just remember I buy.
I discovered some things during this trip. It's okay to talk to someone you don't know as long as they seem receptive to conversation. I'm typically the guy that sits down, puts my headphones on and doesn't take them off until I get to the gate at my destination. There was something about the lady sitting next to me that it just felt right having a conversation with her. Turns out she is from the same town I live in. I've known her brother and sister for a long time and just never met her. The point of this is I'm an introvert and do not talk to people I don't know 99% of the time. We talked the whole way home. I really enjoyed the conversation and it made the flight shorter. Topped off a really great trip. What are you missing by not entering the journey you aren't sure you want to take?

I bought another guitar yesterday. I paid a lot for it. I didn't try to get a better deal. I didn't need another guitar. I do like it though and I'm glad I bought it. There's a back story. There always is. I'll keep it short. I had discussed building a custom guitar with my guitar instructor. He pointed me to some parts he felt like I should consider so I spent the next week going through websites, making notes, trying to formulate what I wanted in a custom guitar. The following week I walk into his waiting area and there was a black guitar case with a handwritten sign on it "for sale $____". We talked about it during my lesson. He picked it up and played it then handed it to me. I played it for a few minutes and really liked what I heard and felt. Then he told me the story. The gentleman that owned it had recently been diagnosed with cancer and was not going to get better. The owner was selling his equipment to build up a cash fund for his wife to help her through the time they were about to face. The guitar sat in the waiting room for several weeks without moving. I finally decided I could buy it and not affect our household spending so I made the commitment to purchase it. It took a couple of weeks to get the money together since my taxes turned into a bill instead of a refund and took all my rainy day cash. Finally got all the cash put together and set a time to pick it up. I went early thinking I really didn't want to meet this gentleman because I tend to empathize situations like this and they mess me up. The more unfair they are the harder it is for me to not let it dominate my mind for weeks. I arrived fifteen minutes early. Gave Dick the cash gathered the guitar and all the extra parts and pieces that went with it and headed out the door. The beagles went out in front of me and were barking like they were on a rabbit. I eased around the corner of the studio and they were bouncing around an older gentleman like he was their long lost best friend. I nodded and said hello while commenting about the dogs being so excited to see him. He smiled and said, "they know I have a treat in this pocket". We both laughed. We introduced ourselves and I had to ask if he was the owner of the guitar I had just purchased. He said he was. We talked a while. He was glad I was buying his prized guitar. I shared with him the thing about me that causes me to have clutter. I never sell anything, ever. He talked about how much he enjoyed playing this guitar and I could see a tear welling up in his eyes. My mind was crashing. He said it started when he lost feeling in two fingers on his left hand and everything digressed from that point. I hate cancer. It's an evil disease. It's so hard for me to imagine humanity hasn't presented a cure for it. I want to believe man hasn't discovered the key to eliminate it but I also know there is an evil that resides in men. There is greed in men that causes them to place a monetary value on human life. This just flat is not fair. It's not just him. It's the kids all over the world, the mom's and dad's, the grandparents, the brothers, the sisters, the friends, it's every person who has been afflicted with cancer that lends utmost validity to the importance of prioritizing a cure above everything else. The thing that usually happens, if history is cyclic, is the discovery of so many other needed solutions are to be found in the pursuit of a cure. Why can't humanity get this right? There is a solution, there has to be. Who's going to do it? How can we help? I'll never sell the guitar and I'll never forget his story and I'm sorry he's going on this journey. I'm not sorry I didn't leave before meeting him. Again an encounter I wasn't meant to miss.

Enjoy your evening,

oops, it's a reflection... hope you got it...

Friday night Denver...

the mountains are still receiving snow. It’s May. Nice weather. Traffic is insane. The train seems to be a good way to go north and south. Let someone else drive. Next time.
Another plane tomorrow.
Home.
Travel for business limits exploration.
Planes aren’t designed for exploration. They are designed for business.
Interstates are just beneath planes for journeys of discovery.
A real journey is by two lane travel.
In an old pickup.
Discovery.
That’s living.
No agenda.
Just go where your heart leads.
The biggest ball of twine in the world is quite interesting.
Sitting on the beach at fish pass jetty is prime.
Finding a curly catalpa tree in bloom is magic.
Laying in the grass in a mountain valley next to a gurgling brook watching the stars come out is indescribable.
Sitting in an inner tube on any slow river with friends is priceless.
Wind in your face straddling a big Harley on an empty Nebraska two lane is incredible.
Hanging in a hammock among the giant sequoias is numbing.
Lying on a rock in the middle of the desert at midnight on a clear night will take your breath away.
New York City at Christmas, unforgettable.
Sitting in a hotel room in Denver Colorado with the TV off thinking about my journey is not so bad.
Adding the people I’ve encountered along my path to it all makes my experience on this planet priceless.
Louis Armstrong got it right, it’s a wonderful world.

Later,

Wednesday ramblings..

Wednesday. Traveling tomorrow and returning Saturday night. I don't look forward to the airports. At least I only have a carry on. Can't forget my ear buds.
I've been listening to a lot of music lately and have discovered some varieties that are really great. The most interesting has been Trobar de Morte and Heilung. The entrancing thing is they align with Nordic origins and have incorporated throat singing which is also performed in the far east northern countries. It's amazing music. If I was getting ready to go into battle in Scotland , Ireland, or the northern European countries and heard this music I would be afraid, wet my pants afraid. It's very intimidating if you were standing in opposition to an army coming at you playing Heilung, goose bumps chilling.
Another couple of musicians/song writers that have impressed me to the point of looking for their tour dates and locations are John Prine, a Chicago mailman, and Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits origins. I like John Prine for his earthy everyday life songs. Trust me if you listen to them they are that good. I prefer his later recordings more than his early ones but it's enlightening to see the path he's walked. As for Mr. Knopfler I am in awe. He has some great songs released recently like Romeo and Juliet, Sailing to Philadelphia, Monteleone, Piper to the End (may be my favorite aside from Romeo and Juliet), Done with Bonaparte, and the list goes on and on. Outstanding music in my opinion. An artist I hadn't mentioned is a guitarist named Tommy Emanuel. Mr. Emanuel is one of the best guitarist's I have ever heard. If you watch some of his you tube videos he interfaces with his fans as well as any entertainer I have ever seen.
For a different genre of music I like watching Benjamin Zander on you tube. He is a conductor. I believe He was with the Boston Philharmonic. He does a series called Interpretation Class. He critiques musicians and some of the musicians he critiques are amazing, his critique is amazing. He is not harsh or negative. Mr. Zander teaches through his critique at a level I haven't seen before. The musicians exercise what he shares with them during the critique. The differences are amazing and the expression on their faces is astounding. It's as if they just moved to a higher level of playing and have broken through into some world they knew existed but couldn't find the door to access it. Anyway, Benjamin Zander is very worth checking out on you tube.
Spotify is another door into the music world that is profoundly efficient at revealing the musicians you never heard of but are amazing. One of the best things I've found is the availability of audio poetry, some famous some not famous. One of the really entertaining things I've listened to is a podcast titled the "Sasquatch Chronicles", they're real you know.
None of this may be new to any of you but I thought it would be an interesting thing to share.
It would be nice to hear from any of you that have blogs you'd be willing to share, I'd like to read them. Feel free to comment here but I think most of the few that read this off the cuff blog know me and probably have my email or phone number too so feel free to use whichever you have....
Short one today.
Have a great evening by your definition of great.

Later,

I’m back. It’s 1:26am and I cannot sleep. My brain is in cahoots with my imagination and there’s no off switch. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. “ I’m leaving on a jet plane...” and returning Saturday evening. Oh well it’ll be nice to see the mountains again. Random brain thoughts: (this is what it sounds like in my head) I need to mow the grass. You better plant your blackberries and tomato’s soon. I would like to take the squeaky toy away from the dog! Am I taking the right book to read. And on and on... I’m leaving some thoughts out for my own good (they’re the ones that consume me constantly). It’s quite puzzling in a good way, just wish I could unplug for a few hours. A yawn! Shutting down and trying to invite my dreams into my sleep cycle so I get some rest. I hope you all are sleeping very peacefully.
Later,

Words...

Speak.
Don’t listen.
Eyes dart.
Fidget.
Nervous.
Run.

Quiet.
Listen.
Eyes locked.
Focus.
Relax.
Stay.

Six plus six is still six.
The two sets can’t be mixed.
Doesn’t work.
It’s all six or nothing.
Pick your six.
Live with your choices.
Until you can’t.

Perception develops attitude
Everything works together
Destiny
Choice

Writing
Words
Silence Can be loud

Perception.

Truth.

Random's on a Saturday morning...

Not sure why I'm posting with such frequency but I think I'm working through some thoughts. How many times have you had to search for the reason you are pressed to do something and don't really see why? Maybe it's never been that way for you, maybe you always do what needs to be done or you do what you want to do without any hesitation. I cannot say which way is best because we all are so different. I spend a lot of time in my head. I'm always sorting through my thoughts and ideas and actually would like to find a switch to turn off my thoughts for a while. Just shut down and rest. Then other times, maybe like now, I get bored but can't decide what I want to do. Part of the challenge is whatever I do needs to appeal to me. It seems I spend a lot more time alone than I ever have (except when I drove trucks). I just lost my train of thought so I'll chase a squirrel for a minute...
Squirrel: I really enjoyed driving. It's the perfect job for introverts. You spend most of your time alone, you eat alone, you sleep alone, you work alone, etc. Sounds hard for some folks but it was a great place to be. I could analyze all my ideas. I could let my dreams run for hours without interruption aside from the duties of being a responsible and courteous driver. If you got tired you could find a place to park safely crawl in the bunk pull the curtains shut and take a nap. You could eat when you wanted. If there was something close to your location you wanted to see you may have to be creative to get there but you could do or see just about anything you wanted. There a lot of places you can't pull a rig in such as national parks and monuments. I was usually able to find parking nearby and walk to just about anything I wanted to see. If I was going to be in an area for a few days or weeks I would rent a car and go sightseeing in the evenings or over the weekend.Would I do it again? Probably not as long as it's in my control. I've grown to enjoy being in one place. I have the opportunity to eat lunch with my daughter every day. I am pleased to be greeted by the dogs when I get home. I like being able to go out to the garage or the blacksmith shop whenever I want and enjoy where I am.
I feel like we go through seasons. I still want to wander. I want to go to the mountains and fly fish or backpack. I want to go to the beach and see if I can improve my very weak surfing skills. I want to visit museums, galleries, festivals, etc. I have an itch to get back on the Harley and go for a wander. You'll notice none of that includes the obligation of working a routine schedule. There's a van for sale in North Dakota (Thanks Glen, it's stuck in my mind) that would work out great for a travel season. It would need a good deal of renovation but as noted in earlier posts I see the thing finished when it hasn't been touched yet. We'll see how that plays out.
This is a morning ramble for me. Julia Cameron recommends a writing exercise she calls morning pages which is something I don't practice daily but when I do I absolutely feel great for the day. I'd explain it but I'd get it not quite right so look it up. She has some great books on writing and does seminars. A girl at the bookstore recommended two books one day when I was indecisive about my reading choices. I purchased both and I am very pleased to have met her and followed through with her recommendations. One was "The Sound of Paper" by Julia Cameron, fantastic book. The other was "The Artist Soul - Crafting your Life into a Work of Art" by Erwin Ralph McManus. I have read another of his books years ago which was a very good read for me, that book was "Uprising:A Revolution of the Soul", another great book. I am thinking about putting in a link to amazon with a page of books I read and liked and maybe some I didn't. I don't know how to do it but I'll do some research and see if I can figure it out. Stay tuned... lol.
It's cold in here. It was in the forties here but is now 54. Doesn't sound cold but I turned the heat off a couple of weeks ago and closed the valve on the propane tank. I think not turning it back on is my way of hoping the warmth of spring will return soon. So I'm cold. Might be the lack of socks. I did put on a long sleeve t-shirt which helped, the short sleeve one just wasn't doing it. Should've gone camping. perfect weather for a camp fire and a great nights rest in a comfy sleeping bag. Maybe I can make that happen tonight. I need to take a four day weekend and go to North Dakota for a visit. That would be good Harley ride although it would be a stretch to do in four days since I don't care for 13 hour days on it.
A while back someone told me "don't over analyze this.." I wish it was that easy. The person that told me that does it too or she wouldn't have said it. It was a good thing to say. It makes me smile to think about that statement. There are times when over analyzing is a curse. There are more times when it allows my mind to enter a place of magnificent possibilities. It was during an event for Art class and there were several conversations that opened the door for some conversations that stayed at mid level but they could have really gone into the depths of my mind and that is always an opportunity for discovery. The topic of puzzle pieces is one that I can't shake loose. I look at everything and try to see what type of puzzle or how many pieces it takes to make up whatever I'm considering. It can be an inanimate object or it can be a person. That conversation has given me an opportunity to consider the complexity of people. Maybe I can explain it some day but I don't feel like I can put it in perspective with adequate emphasis right now. Thank you. Great playlist on Spotify. 2019.
Oh well. It's time to start my day. I'm taking my girls and my mom to lunch today. Should be fun. Mom sends me a lot of watercolor artist you tube videos to view and every once in a while slips one in our our Scottish beginnings (mixed with some Irish) which I enjoy watching. Some of the guys doing watercolor and acrylics are amazing artists. One I really enjoy is "the mind of watercolor". Anyway there's another random thought.
Have a great day.

Quick notes on a Friday, have fun with this one A,

It's been a tough Friday. Made me question some of my choices. Not going to go any further than that here.
A person I really enjoy talking to asked what my favorite color was a while back. I gave an answer that I think was the right answer for me but it didn't give her any clue as to what my ultimate favorite color might be. My response was "I have a hard time choosing because I feel like it's not fair to the colors I don't choose". That was true for me but it also magnifies the difficulty of making that decision. I'll explain. I have different colors that I favor based on the mood I'm in. I also like different colors in different scenarios like a 1955, 2 door Chevrolet has to be hugger orange, nothing else works for that car more than orange. In the springtime I really like the color of the flowers but which flowers? I can't choose for the same reason. In the fall you can't top the yellow of a grove of Aspens against the green of the pines and the purple of the mountains. In summer I like the gold of the prairie grass against the bluest sky you can find. If it's a horse I like the brown and white of a beautiful paint. It goes on and on. Whether white is classified as a color or not I like white in certain circumstances. I really like the dark turquoise color of my old Camaro. This can go on and on. So, AL if you really require me to choose a favorite color I'll say blue if you need it specified better I'll say go to my Pinterest accounts (to make sure it’s mine look at the details of my profile photo), look at the big trucks folders and there is a lighter blue truck that does it for me. Just don't be disappointed please if I tell you some other color next time you ask. I'm still trying to figure out why you asked too. I have the same scenario regarding music. I can't choose a specific genre as my favorite and that choice is even more difficult than a color. If you ask me about people I can specify that one easier than color and music but I probably won't share that to save me some grief in the future. I can tell you the name of my favorite art instructor (you know her). I can name my favorite shark. I really enjoyed writing this.
I still want to get to Rennasaince Fair in Muskogee before June 2nd. Not sure I can make it this weekend but I'd like to. Mayfest is also coming next weekend which I would like to walk through.  Lot's of things happening this month. Tall Grass Prairie preserve might be a great trip too especially if there are a bunch of Buffalo calves running around. A camping trip would be even better. What a random paragraph.
Hope you all enjoy Mother's Day weekend.
Later,

End of a semester...

Art class is over for the semester last Tuesday evening. Makes me sad. I have really enjoyed this semester. Prof. R. is great, I’m hoping she has an evening class in the fall on Tuesday/Thursday evening. I would like to continue this journey. If not I’ll look for a creative writing class in the evening. No summer classes though. Working to get my sailboat back in the water.
Getting close to launching. Need to bolt the swing keel in, finish the paint, then head for the lake for a leak test.
It’s been a challenging season for me. Had a really tough winter. This spring found some difficult food allergies/sensitivities. It’s been a challenge to drop my intake to no processed food. I stay away from Gluten, fructose, dairy, and corn. So far I’ve been doing very well at eliminating products with all four allergins. One of the benefits is the weight loss, 18-22 lbs in 4 weeks and the sugar cravings aren’t as bad as they were.
I’m at a strange place in my life. Not happy, kind of lost, like I felt when I was a little boy. I’m not sure I can or know how to change any of it. It may be more of the fear holding me back. I cannot end something without having something to replace it. I’m also not sure I’m sorting it all out correctly.
The weather is very cool for May 9th. It’s in the 40’s at the moment. Wish I was sitting by a campfire.  More rain is coming this weekend.
Had a discussion tonight about hiding in our man caves and not allowing others into our lives. I’m very selective about allowing people to get close to me. I have a hard time initiating friendships, I don’t understand why but I also don’t know how to fix it. Once in a while I meet someone that really resonates to me and I get drawn into their web whether they realize it or not. It’s not their fault and I hold no fault on their part after all they probably don’t see me the way I see them but I would love a word or simply a hello. I cannot help it, it’s who I am. I’m an over analyzer. I am constantly rehearsing multiple outcomes to the simplest word or gesture.

Hurting
Leaking
Longing
Lonely
Heart.

Later..

The Loneliest Place to be....

Can be where you are at this moment...
Have you ever stood in  a room full of people and felt completely alone? Consider this, to love and lose is greater than never having loved at all. True statement or not? I am really asking this question because I sit here this evening in my own house engulfed in loneliness. You may scoff or call me crazy but it is the feeling most dominant for me at this moment.
How do we conquer the feelings we don't like? Some people binge eat, smoke, drink, and any other number of vices that ease the burden of loneliness. Some of us spend money. Others fall back on old friends and search for a rare moment of contact with someone from our past that may offer words of solace or guidance. Often a change of scenery may resolve the problem. Sometimes nothing eases the strife. I typically would jump to developing a relationship with God as being the answer and it is the best answer but some people refuse to pursue the relationship required for whatever reason. I tend to wrap myself in work or a hobby and quite often a book or a movie. I also wrap myself in the love of my Savior.
I seem to be torn between spiritual and physical loneliness trying to seperate the two but maybe I shouldn't. I pose this because it seems to be happening quite often. The best beginning to an end is to locate the source of the problem. Several things come to mind. Is being lonely the problem or am I missing an opportunity to deal with some things that only I can deal with? Is the loneliness I'm experiencing based on a lack of people in the house at this time or is it a deeper loneliness? In other words is it circumstantial or is it more complex? It appears depression is often diagnosed and loneliness is simply a side affect of depression but I would propose loneliness can be the root of depression. So if I was depressed I would need to find the root source of the depression so I could eliminate it and recognize when it was trying to bring itself to maturity in the future. I am starting to discover the multitude of feeders at the heart of loneliness. Maybe I feel like I am unloved or maybe I feel like I am unworthy. Either of these feeling make me want to withdraw from people and scowl at the questioning gaze of humanity. I would also propose That I can put on a front to make everyone around think all is well while the core of my position is one similar to standing in the desert alone. So there are many occasions when the loneliest place is where I am. I can stand in a room full of people and be completely alone. I can be sitting in rush hour traffic surrounded by other solitary commuters and be completely alone. I can be sitting at the dinner table surrounded by people who profess their unconditional love for me and be completely alone. So what is the root of loneliness? Is it the feeling of overwhelming situations that appear to be out of my control? Is it based on bad choices made in other circumstances that I am realizing the error of those choices? Is it having morals and standards that will not allow me to participate in the activities presently surrounding me? Loneliness can be a perplexing thing to deal with. I would also propose not all loneliness is bad. Sometimes being alone can help us get our thoughts together. Being alone can also heighten our awareness of God and His presence in our lives. Loneliness also allows us to reflect on situations behind, at present, and forward facing us. Loneliness can help us formulate an attitude of accomplishment, success, strength, and self sufficiency. What is the resolution to the position of loneliness and is it always necessary to combat it or are there times it needs to be embraced to help us develop a more intense awareness of who we are?
To facilitate the way I handle loneliness I think it would be best to let someone close to me know what I am experiencing. Not so much for help but more so to establish a marker that says I don't want to get lost as I explore what I am experiencing. Basically I want someone close to me to keep an eye on me with the idea that their watching is a lifeline to bring me back when I appear to be getting lost. If we never explore our inner beings how can we know what our capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses are and how can we learn to combat the darker areas of our lives that can be dangerous to our purposes and futures? If I decide to dwell in loneliness I want to know I have a lifeline that is interested in loving me and keeping me grounded in the good things of life and a lifeline that is intent on keeping me safe and of sound mind. If the lifeline doesn't exist then help must be found.
I guess it would be like jumping off a boat in the middle of the ocean without a lifejacket and not letting anyone know.
As I contemplate this I am led to the thought that there is another name associated with loneliness, meaning the type of loneliness that allows me to consider where I am. I would call it meditation. Strange thoughts on a Sunday evening.
Be assured if you are reading this I am not depressed or experiencing dangerous loneliness. I am simply expressing my thoughts regarding a time in my past when I could stand in a room full of people I know and feel like the loneliest person in the world.

I would urge anyone reading this to make sure you have a lifeline if you ever start feeling lonely regardless of the circumstances. A lifeline doesn't need any details and they don't need to interject their opinion regarding your situation or feelings. Your lifeline simply needs to watch you. They need to look for indicators that question the safety or you and others in your proximity. If you can't connect with a lifeline please get help. Take no chances. Have faith in Jesus and pursue God with all you have, then simply meditate.

There's gold near you if you can learn to discover it...

I'm sitting at the dining room table. I hate being bored. Especially when I have so many things I could be doing. Maybe a quick write here will fix me.
I've been taking guitar lessons for a while. One of the discoveries during this process has been the exposure of some issues I couldn't put my finger on. I practice at home a lot. Usually after everyone has gone to bed and I keep the volume turned low so I don't disturb them. My practice at home usually goes really well. It's productive and I work on problem areas and eventually I get better. Here's the issue, I go to my lesson and cannot play to save my life. I would say if I make a mistake, but I'll change if to when because I will make a mistake. The mistake is the trigger. Once I mess up I tense up. Once I tense up everything starts going wrong. I focus on why I made the mistake instead of getting past the mistake and just keep going. I miss chords, I miss the strings with the pick, my shoulders tense up and the next thing I know I'm lost. What a mess. My instructor is absolutely great. We have discussions or he has a discussion and I listen. He is intent that I get past the mistake and focus on what's ahead of me not behind me. There's a lot of wisdom in that. It takes implementation to make it work. Have I figured it out? Not at all. I'm trying though. I went out of town for work and missed a lesson and couldn't practice for quite a few days. When I went to my next lesson I was bit dreadful of disappointing Mr. Gordon because I hadn't practiced but a crazy thing happened. I actually played well enough he kept telling me we've made a major breakthrough. I had to relax so I began telling myself early in the day my performance in the evening wouldn't matter because I had not practiced for a couple of weeks so it doesn't matter just go. Go play what he asks. Talk about the path forward, go home. I went in knowing I was going to perform poorly so I lowered my expectations and when I messed up I was already past the disappointment so it didn't get in my head and cause the tension monster to begin consuming me. I actually played like I was at home with no audience and it went great. What's the point of all this? I don't know, I'm still sorting through it all but I found a glimmer of hope. We'll just keep going, I really want to get this right and play well. Can't answer the why of that either but it's something I want to do. I could share a lot more about how guitar lessons have opened the psyche of my inner workings but that would fill a book and a lot of it I don't want to put on the open market. I'm having a good time and look at it as a journey of discovery.
That was part one. Here comes part two. I think I already wrote about all of this but it's still part of my life. I finished Fundamentals of Art I at our local community college. I really enjoyed the experience. So much so that I have enrolled in Fundamentals of Art II and have intentions of following up with Sculpting, Drawing, Metal crafts, and whatever else I feel like pursuing. By the way I received an A for my effort received some productive criticism, met some interesting and very nice people. Another journey of discovery.
Through all of this I have become a you tube junkie. I watch a lot of videos about subjects that interest me. I watch a lot of music instructional and song videos. I like watching the guitar people display their phenomenal skills and then share what they feel or think about what they've played or how their lives have turned out. I could produce a huge list but my favorites so far are BB King, Eric Clapton, Mark Knopfler, John Prine, Merle Haggard, Chet Atkins, Sheryl Crow, Norah Jones and a whole bunch of others. I also have been watching old concerts of Crosby, Stills and Nash with Neil Young when he was playing with them, James Taylor, Willie Nelson, Joe Bonamassa, CCR, and Dire Straights.
Not to change the topic but all of the previous paragraphs happens mostly at night as I have obligations to home and projects during the daylight and yes I still work 4-5 days a week.
I feel like I'm searching where I fit as I get older. I want to go camping, canoeing and hiking so somewhere I'll fit that in too. Life is a journey and I'm tired of sitting so I'm moving.
Hope you find inspiration or can offer words of wisdom or at least take a moment to try and find the dreams you left behind and figure out how to pick them up and explore them soon.

Take a minute and think about something you used to do a long time ago that you wanted to be really good at or something you wanted to experience but just couldn't see a way to make it happen. I would even suggest you write it down. I also suggest you begin a journal and start thinking about the dream you laid down. Write every thought or idea down so you don't lose the thoughts you are revisiting. Take an inventory of who you are right now. Are you content? Are you happy? Do you have any goals? Are you content with your accomplishments? Have you mastered a craft or skill that you always wanted to be accomplished in? Write down where you are. Begin entertaining thoughts and ideas to set a course to accomplish what you write down. The key to this is not to get to the goal, and yes I hope you do, but I think it's so important that we learn to live for the journey that the journey ends up being our story. The story we write. You aren't a slave or no one can claim ownership of you. You may have a job or you may have to have a job but your job has parameters that you control. If you take control of your time and you dictate your accomplishments outside the time allocated for your job you'll find you have the capacity to do just about anything you set your sights on. Here is a bit of advice if you'll accept it. If you want to discover Gold start small. Take a four day weekend, go to South Dakota. Take a route that requires two lane travel. Take your time and look at America. Find a thread of discovery that inspires you. Buy Peanut Butter, Jelly, a loaf of bread, and whatever you like to drink. Simplify. Find a stream to camp near. take a shovel or a spade, go to a local flea market and look for a gold panning pan for a buck or two. A lawn chair is nice but not a necessity. Scrounge up some firewood. Learn to make a fire using matches. Relax. Listen to the birds. Look at the stars. Stare at the clouds. Stand in the creek. take a scoop of creek bottom and dump it in your pan. Learn to swirl the water in the pan and see how the rocks and dirt begin to separate. Watch a you tube video if you can't figure it out. Learn to discern the difference between fool's gold and real gold. Have fun. If you find some great if you don't great. Think about what you have spent the weekend doing. How do you feel? I use gold panning as the example but it can be anything that you choose to pursue. Learn to enjoy the details of getting where you think you want to be and you might be surprised at what you discover. I dare you to try it. By the way you can find gold in a lot of states and sometimes gold is something as simple as the view.... you know what I mean. Let me know how it goes, I'm interested in how you write the rest of your story.

Closing out 2018...

Here I sit. It's Thanksgiving eve. Here I sit. It's a challenge to not look back at the last year and question my accomplishments. In fact I'm not going to do it because I will be in a sour mood for the rest of the evening. I'm making a pot of stew in the Instapot I purchased a while back. So far I like what it does.
I made a couple of rocket stoves. Pretty simple to fabricate, produces nice heat to keep your hands warm on a cool evening. I made one with the top shaped to sit a cup of hot drink or a pan on but I haven't tried that yet. I also have been working in the blacksmith shop again. Just tinkering. Making tongs and cut off tools. I am working on a design for a couple of book ends but am not getting in a rush as I want them to turn out really nice and not like a project I've lost interest in. It's been a rainy fall so I've been able to spend some time in the shop. A lot of my projects and one I really need to finish are having to be done outside so I get after them when it's not raining. I'm starting to feel the need to simplify my life. Focus on one thing until finished. Don't start any other projects until I complete the ones I have started already.
My evenings are crowded. I'm taking Jazz guitar lessons from Dick Gordon Jr. in Tulsa and am learning how my brain takes in a certain amount of information then it says no. I get about three different inputs trying to learn then the fourth input is introduce and smoke fills the room. Brain fried. I keep practicing though and am seeing improvement, quite a bit actually. That's Monday night and about an hour in the evenings after everyone else has gone to bed. I also have been taking a class at Tulsa Community College. Fundamentals of Art I, I absolutely am having a blast in this class. The instructor may be my favorite college prof. I've ever had. I'm hooked, going to sign up for the next round. I've always had an interest in art but I quit drawing and sketching when work got complicated years ago. This is an attempt to find the old me and see how I've matured. It is an effort to find out if my future can be full of creativeness and relax instead of zombie out in front of the TV. I'm planning on taking a creative writing class in the future also. It's my journey so I'm developing the map. Any time I have a few extra minutes I read. It's crazy but I feel like I'm searching for something that's been missing for a long time. If I can just get the one project I owe someone off my agenda I may see a huge difference in the way I process stress and discover more of the map for my future. We'll see.
I bought a book the other day about JRR Tolkien, the artist, and yes he is the same one that wrote the Lord of the rings, and a bunch of other books. I am amazed at the drawings and paintings he created. It's also telling a story about his life that I had no idea existed. I also bought a book titled "Hemingway's Boat, I am very anxious to begin that one. I think I shared my fascination with Hemingway in a post not long ago.
The depression has let up quite a bit and I don't see it affecting the way I process my days. I'm changing my diet and detoxing just to see. I keep getting a premonition about having too much yeast in my system and some of the foods I eat actually contribute to increasing yeast so it's time for a change. There are lots of reasons for a dietary change and any of you can fill in the blanks so I'm not going there.
Had a discussion earlier with a friend about self criticism. The art and guitar lessons have really revealed some shortcomings in the way I judge myself. I am discovering new definitions for the expectations I have for myself. I am learning that as nice as it would be to have all of my efforts turn out perfectly that expectation is a major stress inducer and sets me up for tremendous disappointment and self doubt when things don't turn out as I thought they should. I am learning that sometimes the imperfect is more perfect than anything I could have done. I look at different artists work over the ages and am discovering that every work of art is exactly as it should be. If you don't like it then you don't like it but it is as it was intended to be. It's the same with the things you like. If I leave stray hammer marks in a piece of metal then I leave stray hammer marks in a peace of metal and they become part of my story. This is something I wish I had taught my children when they were young but I didn't have this revelation then. I have it now and we are trying to adjust the error of my guidance. I'm adjusting a lot of the way I think and perceive things. Maybe I'm just getting older or achieving a different level of maturity. One of the things that really kicked me was a video I saw in class the other night about an art program in San Francisco that embraced people with, and I hate the term, disabilities. After watching that video I was extremely humbled and amazed at the freedom the folks in the video to express themselves and the outcome was some of the most beautiful creations I have ever seen. I can provide the name of the video in another post but I don't have it written down at home. It's a bit of a crazy season in my life. I'm searching, I'm learning, I'm re-evaluating what I consider to be important, I'm re-ordering my priorities, I'm changing.
I want to challenge the few of you that read these posts to take a minute and think about your story. What did you leave behind that brought peace and pleasure into your life? Pay attention to the things that frustrate you. Note the things that are boring. Make notes about the things about you that you don't really like. Then take all of those things and start fixing them. Take a journey of re-discovery. It's never too late. You may not be as nimble or as quick but you are smarter and can figure out how to achieve your goals. Ask yourself what are the most important things in you. Develop those things. Work on them. Work hard on them. Think about the blemishes. take a look at them as if they belong, give them a place in your story. Then map your journey forward. Take a walk into your psyche.
Let me know what you find and how it all turns out.
It's not too late.

By the way, I reread previous posts and find spelling or grammar errors and wonder what the heck. I do a spell check on every post but sometime it sees a word spelled correctly and lets it go but it may not fit the sentence or statement. The best resolution I have is go back and read this post, the part about being perfect and guess what... I'm not fixing them anymore... I think....